Total Pageviews

Thursday 21 April 2016

Donation day - Nepean Hospital 16.3.16



I was planning on making another donation of tiny baby things to my local hospital and as it drew nearer to Ava's due date I knew this would be the day. I could sit at home bawling my eyes out or I could do something that meant something on a day that meant so much to me. 



I had my friend Natasha who is the mother of one of Ava's friends in heaven Elijah offer to come with me on the day. She brought her son and I had Oliver with me too - our two little helpers! I had other friends help me make some treats to take  to the hospital for a morning tea I wanted to provide for the midwives as a thankyou for all that they did for me a year ago and everything they continue to do for bereaved families. Another one of Ava's friends in heaven is Levi. His mum Natasha made and decorated some beautiful cakes. Jeanette and Jo also made some delicious deserts too. 



We arrived at the hospital and were greeted by the wonderful staff of The antenatal ward - a ward that had some extremely unpleasant and traumatic memories for my family but it is also a kind of sacred place because that is where we met Ava for the first time, that's where we shared out only night as her parents with our baby in the same room as us. That's the place that we said hello and goodbye. 

When we left the ward a year ago I could not have told you what it looked like as the only place I was looking when we entered and when we left was the floor - I couldn't bear the thought of looking up and seeing happily pregnant women (even though I could hear CTGs and families visiting their pregnant friends/partners). 

One year later I looked straight at the door to the room that Ava was born in right next to the nurses station. The door where the butterfly tag was stuck on the door so that all hospital staff knew what type of family were in there. Family's who had their lives shattered with devastating words, devastating diagnosis', devastating medical reports. 



We sat down in the staffroom and chatted to the midwives while we ate morning tea. It was lovely having them say Ava's name. There was no pretending she never existed as so often occurs, these midwives and nurses know very well these babies have existed and honour them by talking about them to their parents. We were asked if there were things that they could improve on in the care the provide to women delivering tiny stillborn babies and I got to share Ava's story and about the wonderful, selfless work that so many volunteers are doing for Ava Grace No Footprint Too Small.   



I want to thank every single volunteer who has joined us the past year. Your support has meant so much to me and I know just how much every parent who receives your hats, nappies, blankets, gowns, angel pouches and clothes appreciates what you have provided. 



Having something that fits your baby, that  you can look back on in photographs and hold their things and remember their size and what they looked like is so important. The things we received for Ava are some of my most precious possessions. 



You cannot ignore a baby when you see the blood that stains their clothes, you cant not imagine the baby that was wrapped in the blanket a grandmother knitted. You can't imagine the dignity a family feels when they see their baby dressed in their nappy. A mother can't forget the smell of their baby when they open their memory box and they pull their babies things out to reminisce. 



Over the past year if you put together all the hats, nappies, blankets and clothes that have been handmade and donated to Nepean Public Hospital along with the two pages of personal donations that I have posted to families on request, it has been thousands of tiny baby things that have touched babies and their families. 



Starting Ava Grace No Footprint Too Small soon after Ava died was something that kept my mind busy on something positive when it felt like my world was falling apart. It helped me realise how many people actually do acknowledge these babies lives and how much they matter. 



When our babies are gone and we don't have them to hold anymore, having keepsakes from the hours we spend with them become incredibly special. 



Thankyou for everyone's support. If you would like to join us through sewing, knitting or crochet then please contact myself at avagracenfts@gmail.com if you can support the volunteers by donating wool or fabric or just by tracing and cutting out nappy patterns on fabric I would love to hear from you! 
Please come and join our volunteer Facebook Page. https://www.facebook.com/groups/1692090737678771/









Wednesday 13 April 2016

Ava's 1st Birthday 16th March 2016

e
Ava's 1st Birthday! It came around way to fast but at the same time it felt so long ago that Ava entered our world and was born into heaven.
Your daughters 1st birthday is usually a time for celebration. Not having your daughter with you blowing out her candle is a very unnatural feeling and one I wouldn't wish on anyone. I can hardly describe the feeling except to say it is a deep pain that hurts emotionally but cuts so deep physically too. As desperately sad as I felt, I also couldn't help but feel a  bit of joy and gratitude that I had the opportunity to hold Ava, that I had the opportunity to kiss her tiny lips and count each toe! Knowing her for just an instant is to me worth celebrating. 

Now I am past the milestone of her birthday I look back in hindsight and can see the the few days prior to her birthday were far more painful and produced far more tears than the actual day itself which I have heard is quite common among bereaved parents. 

I am very blessed to be a mummy so the day started off with myself volunteering in my daughters classroom with reading groups. I told myself that I am a mummy to two daughters and a son so I really felt that it was important that I be there being a mummy for Ella just as I wanted desperately to be the same mummy for Ava and I will never get the chance to help in Ava's classroom. 

I came home to my husband and son and then we packed the car with all of the donations that the volunteers from Ava Grace No Footprint Too Small had made over the last few months. I met my friend Natasha (who also lost her son Elijah) last year at the hospital and we delivered the huge boxes to the antenatal ward. We set up the morning tea (thanks to my friends who cooked for it, in particular Natasha who made special cupcakes (her son Levi was sadly born at Nepean too way too early) the staffroom and had such a lovely time chatting about Ava Grace No Footprint Too Small and everything the volunteers have been making and we also spoke about Ava (and Natasha's Elijah). It was lovely speaking the the midwives who make such a big impacting the lives of families birthing babies they will never get to take home from hospital. 

After this we left and came home and when Ella came home from school we did our balloon release - 1 balloon from each of us. We saved one of Natasha's beautiful cupcakes and we sing happy birthday to Ava and the kids blew her candle out. The kids wanted to go out to dinner for her birthday as we often do for all of our birthdays so why would we do any different for their littlest sister? I can't say it was the happiest dinner as I forced food down my throat that had a huge lump in it feeling the tears falling on my insides but I did try. I am very fortunate to have living children who can make painful and at times seemingly impossible  situations bearable just by their smiles, enthusiasm, love and hugs. 





At the end of the night we lit a special candle that another dear friend (Shannon who is Benjamin's mummy and Ava's friend in heaven) had given me for Ava's first birthday along with our other Bears of Hope Candles. 


It was lovely to receive cards and presents and text messages from close friends and families who acknowledged Ava's birthday and what this day meant for us. I can tell you that the acknowledgment of Ava's life is the single most important thing to me when it comes to Ava and all that had happened.

Thankyou to those who honoured Ava's life on her 1st birthday through our fundraiser for Heartfelt Photographers. We really appreciate your help in funding this great cause.

https://www.mycause.com.au/page/121006/ava-grace-johnson-1st-birthday-fundraiser-for-heartfelt

Ava Grace Johnson 16.3.15 
105grams
15.5cm length
10cm HC 
Forget loved, forever missed.